Wrecked...

My youngest son... "lover of all things puritan"... introduced us to a hymn at our Sunday Night FamDevo.  It has wrecked me.  I downloaded the words, then I downloaded two versions of the song from the "Indelible Grace" Music Website.  (I like the "hymn sing" one best.)  Rather than talking right now about what portions are wrecking me, I'm just going to share the words of the hymn and let God wreck you.  

And just so you know, when I say "wrecked" - I mean my heart is lovesick-broken over Jesus - no other affection will do.  Here's the hymn:

Jesus, I my cross have taken,

all to leave and follow Thee.

Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my all shall be.

Perish every fond ambition,

all I've sought or hoped or known.

Yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,

they have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

O while Thou dost smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

foes may hate and friends disown me,

show Thy face and all is bright.

Man may trouble and distress me, 

'Twill but drive me to Thy breast.

Life with trials hard may press me;

heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me

while Thy love is left to me;

Oh, 'twerp not in joy to charm me,

were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Go, then earthly fame and treasure,

come disaster, scorn and pain.

In Thy service, pain is pleasure,

with Thy favor, loss is gain.

I have called Thee Abba Father.

I have stayed my heart on Thee.

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather, 

all must work for good to me.

Soul, then know thy full salvation

rise o'er sin and fear and care.

Joy to find in every station,

something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee.

Think what Father's smiles are thine.

Think that Jesus died to win thee.

Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

Haste thee on from grace to glory,

armed by faith, and winged by prayer.

Heaven's eternal days before thee,

God's own hand shall guide us there.

Soon shall close they earthly mission,

soon shall pass thy pilgrim days.

Hope shall change to glad fruition,

faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Originally by Henry F. Lyte, 1833

Wrecked... absolutely wrecked for any other love but You, Jesus.

Mighty Men...

Sometimes my mom-heart almost can't stand it... I'm overwhelmed by God's goodness.  Today was one of those days.  It was a day of watching my mighty men be mighty.  No - nothing audacious.  Let me show you "might" in action.

Jon quietly got up this morning, got ready, and we went to Church @ Martinsburg.  We hardly spoke.  But read a little deeper.  We didn't have to get up and ask, "Are we going to church today?"  My mighty man leads me quietly every Sunday.

After services, we went to my youngest son's home.  It's a little apartment that sits above a Chinese Restaurant.  Reminds me of "Barefoot In The Park" - I don't know why.  Along with my other son and his wife, we were treated to lunch.  The six of us sat around the table.  Something was said in jest and my son said, "No, because my family is my responsibility."  My mighty men care for their wives.

My other son pitched an idea a few weeks ago that came to fruition tonight.  He wanted our family to start having a devotional time together on Sunday nights.  Both of my sons thought it would be a good idea to have it in place so that when their children come along, it's a discipline we already have in place as a family.  My mighty men are serious about their faith, our faith, and the faith of their wives and children.

So tonight, one son read through some of the questions of John Piper's Baptist Catechism and the rest of us read back the answers.  We meditated on the truths of who God is.  He shared a quick devotional - profound in its simplicity:  The entire Bible can be summed up in this way - "Kill the dragon - Get the girl."  My other son led worship with his guitar.  (And I won't tell you how we ended - I'll leave the laughs for the family.)

Sometimes when I think back on my past, their pasts... I want to put my face on the floor in utter awe.  In spite of the many mistakes I've made as a wife and mom, God has graciously given me His mighty men to inspire and humble me.  My mighty men are proof (along with me) that God is killing the dragon and is constantly getting His "girl".

(See Douglas Wilson for an explanation on the statement "kill the dragon, get the girl.")

The Stuff of Memories...

Jon and I celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary this weekend.  Jon planned this year and it was FABULOUS!  3 days... 3 nights... Annapolis, MD.  Who knew there was so much to see and do?  I photographed the highlights with my handy-dandy iPod.  Though most of the shots would mean little to anyone else... for me, it's the stuff that memories are made of.

Friday we pretty well traveled in silence.  It's amazing how after 28 years, silence can be a memory.  But sometimes we just need to be quiet.  We went to downtown Annapolis and just walked and planned.  We had dinner at Middleton Tavern - wouldn't suggest it - a little pricey for food quality.  But the music was good and the atmosphere was cozy.

Saturday we spent the day shopping and people watching...

 ...these were the most obedient children at the dock.  That's Alex Haley's foot on the left.
Then Jon had booked us a 2-hour tour on a schooner.  Uh... huh... a sailboat.  Yes... still have a fear of water, but this was SOOOOO  FUUNNNNNN!!  In case you don't believe I actually got on the boat...

That's my feet next to Jon's ON THE SAILBOAT.  This is the view below me....

This is the view above me...

                                                                   This is the view around me...  

Told ya I went sailing...

Jon "captained" for a bit...  it was quite impressive... and manly...  that's one good lookin' man...

Yup... fun.  (And yes, for those of you who haven't seen me in awhile... that's me with the short, brown hair.  Tis an experiment...)Sunday, our actual anniversary, we went to an Irish festival.... this is just a taste of the "oh my" moments...

then we had dinner at Pei Wei and went to a local theater to see Moonlight and Magnolias.  It was delightful.  

I topped the night off with a celebratory Ice Wine, Ho Hos, and fortune cookies...

Sometimes the cookies get it right...

Can you believe it?

Looking forward to the next 28 years with this guy God has given me.  What a gift... Jon and the stuff of memories with him.

Dennie Dorminy, Bird Killer

I've been driving a car for 34 years.  I have never in that 34 years hit an animal.  This week I have killed two birds with one car.  No... not on purpose.  And just so you know, both times I've thought to myself "Oh Father, I've added to Your sparrow tally."  (See Matthew 10:29 if you are wondering about that...)  


But I digress again...


Let me make the stipulation that these were "Kamikaze" birds.  They flew straight at my car.  Now I realize that there are very few people that would find anything spiritual in the dive-bombing deaths of two birds, but... you are not me.  When the second bird hit the pavement, I had to ask the question:  Why twice in one week after 34 years of a perfect "no bird kill" record?


There was no way for me to swerve to miss the little missiles.  I was in control of the car (aka "Hershey"), but I wasn't in control of the bird.  I was just staying on the narrow road and, BAMB!, bird carnage.  And BAMB! - Metaphor.


Trials and temptations assail us every day on the narrow road.  I was thankful for Hershey.  I could have been that male supermodel dude who ended up with a bird in his face.  The only difference was there was something between me and the bird.  Glass and metal.  Long-haired supermodel was on the fun road - the roller coaster - no real purpose, just be merry.  I'm sure when the bird found his face, the ride was no longer fun.  As a believer, there is something between me and the "birds" that assail us.  Psalm 3 says that God is a shield AROUND us.  Not just in front of us, but around us.  That doesn't mean we won't get dive-bombed.  It's just proof we are on the narrow road, that God leads us right to the ambush, and yet fortifies us for the moment.  The slings and arrows of the moment are no match for the shield of faith, the breastplate of righteousness, and the helmet of salvation.  


And I really didn't have to DO anything.  Just stay the course.  Just abide in my little car.  Hmmm.  Just stay the course - stay on the narrow road of the will of God.  Just abide.  Abide in the faith and love and righteousness of Christ.  When the temptation assails you, when the trial dive-bombs you (and both will), when the enemy sends the "Kamikazes" your  way, we can keep moving faithfully forward on the narrow road knowing that we are secure in Him.  There may be a few dings in our shield, but nothing hits us that hasn't already hit Him first.  The damage assessment is done by Him, and He will repair and restore when needed.  We can leave the kamikaze casualties behind us.  


Interestingly, "kamikaze" means "divine wind or God-wind".   Helps me to see that even suicidal winged-missiles can be ordained by God's purposes.  Every time I hear about "killing two birds with one stone" - I'm going to think about 2 Kamikaze birds that lost their lives to remind me that one stone was rolled away so God's glory could be manifested in the midst of my struggles on the narrow road of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Fighting to Die

I was driving home today from some must-do shopping (not the fun kind), but my mind wasn't on the groceries or the car.  Mom had called and left a message that my dad's headstone was finally set on the grave.  Not exactly uplifting, but God uses even the grim.

By no coincidence, God has been speaking to my heart about duplicity (the last blog) and that wholehearted commitment means death to self.  And then the image of my father came back to me.  I have no idea what was going through my dad's mind that last week of his life; most of his life I didn't really know what he was thinking.  But I saw him fighting against death.  In the last 3 days, we were certain that God was taking him.  But I'm not sure that my dad wanted to go.  He fought death with every ounce of energy he had left.  Why? Not because he wasn't a christian.  He was.  I think it's because he felt closer to his family in those last few days than he had in his entire life - and he didn't want to lose that.  His wife and children urged him to rest and let go with joy, reminding him of what was ahead.  I think the present overwhelmed him.  He was being loved and loving us and, yes, probably afraid.  God's will is daunting sometimes.

And so here I sit, thinking this through, praying this through.  God brought that image to my mind and then said, "Daughter, you are doing the same thing.  You fight against dying to self.  You love yourself.  You love the status quo.  You fear what you don't know.  Your death is gain so stop fighting it."

Not surprisingly, when I came home, Thomas Chalmers in his paper "The Expulsive Power of a New Affection"wrote this directly to me:  "To estimate the magnitude and the difficulty of such a surrender, let us only think that it were just as arduous to prevail on him not to love wealth, which is but one of the things in the world, as to prevail on him to set willful fire to his own property.  This he might do with sore and painful reluctance, if he saw that the salvation of his life hung upon it.  But this he would do willingly if he saw that a new property of tenfold value was instantly to emerge from the wreck of the old one.  In this case there is something more than the mere displacement of an affection.  There is the overbearing of one affection by another.  But to desolate his heart of all love for the things of the world without the substitution of any love in its place, were to him a process of as unnatural violence as to destroy all the things he has in the world, and give him nothing in their room.  So if to love not the world be indispensable to one's Christianity, then the crucifixion of the old man is not too strong a term to mark that transition in his history, when all old things are done away, and all things are become new."  In other words - I need a vision of Christ's worth over what I have now.  It's the great exchange.  My death to self for His life in me.  God's getting the short end of the stick on this one.

When is the gravestone going to finally be set?

Barefoot and Cross-Eyed: Insanity of Duplicity

Insanity of Duplicity

Duplicity.  If it wasn't so much fun to say, I would put it in my "dirty word" list.  "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."  I looked up the word - check out and pop back in next paragraph if you have an aversion to Greek words and definitions.  (Yes, you, K.)  It's the word dipsuchos (dipsyche).  It means literally "twice or two souled".  From my old Baptist background, we called it "straddling the fence" - one foot in the world, one foot in the Kingdom.  Zodhiates says "On the one hand, he wishes to maintain a religious confession and desires the presence of God in his life; on the other hand, he loves the ways of the world and prefers to live according to its mores and ethics."

In other words:  I want it my way... and... I want it God's way.  Sometimes that's true.  Or I want God's will, but I want to do it my way which really isn't God's will at all.  James definition for duplicity seems to be "you believe God but you don't".  Or more simply... we doubt.  I like the way John Bunyan put it in "Pilgrims Progress":  Mr. FacingBothWays.  What does MY duplicity look like?  In my case, it's Mrs. FacingAllDirections.  I don't seem to be getting my footing as of late.  As James says, we become unstable in all our ways.  I'm not talking about the extreme of being an unbeliever who pretends to be a believer.  I'm talking about the times that I vacillate between His will and my own, the times that I blow both hot and cold.

(Insert internal growl here.)

I think it looks very much like the same 'ole power struggle between my flesh and the Spirit in me.
Here's an example:
God wants me to _____________.
I zealously head that direction.
I start making a plan.
Then I start planning to make a more complex plan.
And in the midst of the more complex plan, I find another path to the same goal.
I head that direction. (I don't know why...)
I repeat this process several times.
Then wake up and realize that I have done nothing but plan with plans that lead to other plans.
When I step back and look at the mess:  I've lost God's plan in the midst of 50 of my own.

This is insane!!

In case you think I'm exaggerating... today, I attempted to reel in all of my insanity.  I have a stack of 16 books that all have bookmarks that read "Yes, I'm Actually Reading This".  A stack - rather a monument - to my duplicity.  16... and that's not including the books I started on my Kindle.  AND they all seem purposeful to me.  Yeah.  I know.  That's because they each lead in one of the many directions I was trying to head to all at once.

I recently attended a "Gospel Coaching" seminar with some precious people from my church.  I will spare you the details (though it was A. BLAST.), but I came away with a few very important things.

1.  I need to stop having good intentions and get intentional.  And by that, I mean, I need to repent of my self-trust and submit to God's direction alone.

2.  I need to get a vision of God's plan for me that recognizes His value and thus the value of His plan   for me.  (For some reason, I let the plans of others derail the thing God is leading me to do.  Somehow I determine that what people want (or even need) is more important than what God wants.)  [Can you say IDOLATRY?!!!!]  I place little value on the things that God calls me to, thinking them to be of less value and importance than what God is doing in others.  Yes, I'm repenting.

3.  I need strategic, intentional, obedient steps to the goal of glorifying Christ by faith.

The 16 books... ok... so I need a system.  :)

From duplicitous to wholehearted... heading there...