I was driving home today from some must-do shopping (not the fun kind), but my mind wasn't on the groceries or the car. Mom had called and left a message that my dad's headstone was finally set on the grave. Not exactly uplifting, but God uses even the grim.
By no coincidence, God has been speaking to my heart about duplicity (the last blog) and that wholehearted commitment means death to self. And then the image of my father came back to me. I have no idea what was going through my dad's mind that last week of his life; most of his life I didn't really know what he was thinking. But I saw him fighting against death. In the last 3 days, we were certain that God was taking him. But I'm not sure that my dad wanted to go. He fought death with every ounce of energy he had left. Why? Not because he wasn't a christian. He was. I think it's because he felt closer to his family in those last few days than he had in his entire life - and he didn't want to lose that. His wife and children urged him to rest and let go with joy, reminding him of what was ahead. I think the present overwhelmed him. He was being loved and loving us and, yes, probably afraid. God's will is daunting sometimes.
And so here I sit, thinking this through, praying this through. God brought that image to my mind and then said, "Daughter, you are doing the same thing. You fight against dying to self. You love yourself. You love the status quo. You fear what you don't know. Your death is gain so stop fighting it."
Not surprisingly, when I came home, Thomas Chalmers in his paper "The Expulsive Power of a New Affection"wrote this directly to me: "To estimate the magnitude and the difficulty of such a surrender, let us only think that it were just as arduous to prevail on him not to love wealth, which is but one of the things in the world, as to prevail on him to set willful fire to his own property. This he might do with sore and painful reluctance, if he saw that the salvation of his life hung upon it. But this he would do willingly if he saw that a new property of tenfold value was instantly to emerge from the wreck of the old one. In this case there is something more than the mere displacement of an affection. There is the overbearing of one affection by another. But to desolate his heart of all love for the things of the world without the substitution of any love in its place, were to him a process of as unnatural violence as to destroy all the things he has in the world, and give him nothing in their room. So if to love not the world be indispensable to one's Christianity, then the crucifixion of the old man is not too strong a term to mark that transition in his history, when all old things are done away, and all things are become new." In other words - I need a vision of Christ's worth over what I have now. It's the great exchange. My death to self for His life in me. God's getting the short end of the stick on this one.
When is the gravestone going to finally be set?
Friday, March 2, 2012
Insanity of Duplicity
Duplicity. If it wasn't so much fun to say, I would put it in my "dirty word" list. "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." I looked up the word - check out and pop back in next paragraph if you have an aversion to Greek words and definitions. (Yes, you, K.) It's the word dipsuchos (dipsyche). It means literally "twice or two souled". From my old Baptist background, we called it "straddling the fence" - one foot in the world, one foot in the Kingdom. Zodhiates says "On the one hand, he wishes to maintain a religious confession and desires the presence of God in his life; on the other hand, he loves the ways of the world and prefers to live according to its mores and ethics."
In other words: I want it my way... and... I want it God's way. Sometimes that's true. Or I want God's will, but I want to do it my way which really isn't God's will at all. James definition for duplicity seems to be "you believe God but you don't". Or more simply... we doubt. I like the way John Bunyan put it in "Pilgrims Progress": Mr. FacingBothWays. What does MY duplicity look like? In my case, it's Mrs. FacingAllDirections. I don't seem to be getting my footing as of late. As James says, we become unstable in all our ways. I'm not talking about the extreme of being an unbeliever who pretends to be a believer. I'm talking about the times that I vacillate between His will and my own, the times that I blow both hot and cold.
(Insert internal growl here.)
I think it looks very much like the same 'ole power struggle between my flesh and the Spirit in me.
Here's an example:
God wants me to _____________.
I zealously head that direction.
I start making a plan.
Then I start planning to make a more complex plan.
And in the midst of the more complex plan, I find another path to the same goal.
I head that direction. (I don't know why...)
I repeat this process several times.
Then wake up and realize that I have done nothing but plan with plans that lead to other plans.
When I step back and look at the mess: I've lost God's plan in the midst of 50 of my own.
This is insane!!
In case you think I'm exaggerating... today, I attempted to reel in all of my insanity. I have a stack of 16 books that all have bookmarks that read "Yes, I'm Actually Reading This". A stack - rather a monument - to my duplicity. 16... and that's not including the books I started on my Kindle. AND they all seem purposeful to me. Yeah. I know. That's because they each lead in one of the many directions I was trying to head to all at once.
I recently attended a "Gospel Coaching" seminar with some precious people from my church. I will spare you the details (though it was A. BLAST.), but I came away with a few very important things.
1. I need to stop having good intentions and get intentional. And by that, I mean, I need to repent of my self-trust and submit to God's direction alone.
2. I need to get a vision of God's plan for me that recognizes His value and thus the value of His plan for me. (For some reason, I let the plans of others derail the thing God is leading me to do. Somehow I determine that what people want (or even need) is more important than what God wants.) [Can you say IDOLATRY?!!!!] I place little value on the things that God calls me to, thinking them to be of less value and importance than what God is doing in others. Yes, I'm repenting.
3. I need strategic, intentional, obedient steps to the goal of glorifying Christ by faith.
The 16 books... ok... so I need a system. :)
From duplicitous to wholehearted... heading there...
In other words: I want it my way... and... I want it God's way. Sometimes that's true. Or I want God's will, but I want to do it my way which really isn't God's will at all. James definition for duplicity seems to be "you believe God but you don't". Or more simply... we doubt. I like the way John Bunyan put it in "Pilgrims Progress": Mr. FacingBothWays. What does MY duplicity look like? In my case, it's Mrs. FacingAllDirections. I don't seem to be getting my footing as of late. As James says, we become unstable in all our ways. I'm not talking about the extreme of being an unbeliever who pretends to be a believer. I'm talking about the times that I vacillate between His will and my own, the times that I blow both hot and cold.
(Insert internal growl here.)
I think it looks very much like the same 'ole power struggle between my flesh and the Spirit in me.
Here's an example:
God wants me to _____________.
I zealously head that direction.
I start making a plan.
Then I start planning to make a more complex plan.
And in the midst of the more complex plan, I find another path to the same goal.
I head that direction. (I don't know why...)
I repeat this process several times.
Then wake up and realize that I have done nothing but plan with plans that lead to other plans.
When I step back and look at the mess: I've lost God's plan in the midst of 50 of my own.
This is insane!!
In case you think I'm exaggerating... today, I attempted to reel in all of my insanity. I have a stack of 16 books that all have bookmarks that read "Yes, I'm Actually Reading This". A stack - rather a monument - to my duplicity. 16... and that's not including the books I started on my Kindle. AND they all seem purposeful to me. Yeah. I know. That's because they each lead in one of the many directions I was trying to head to all at once.
I recently attended a "Gospel Coaching" seminar with some precious people from my church. I will spare you the details (though it was A. BLAST.), but I came away with a few very important things.
1. I need to stop having good intentions and get intentional. And by that, I mean, I need to repent of my self-trust and submit to God's direction alone.
2. I need to get a vision of God's plan for me that recognizes His value and thus the value of His plan for me. (For some reason, I let the plans of others derail the thing God is leading me to do. Somehow I determine that what people want (or even need) is more important than what God wants.) [Can you say IDOLATRY?!!!!] I place little value on the things that God calls me to, thinking them to be of less value and importance than what God is doing in others. Yes, I'm repenting.
3. I need strategic, intentional, obedient steps to the goal of glorifying Christ by faith.
The 16 books... ok... so I need a system. :)
From duplicitous to wholehearted... heading there...
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