At this point, I had this great big cutesy harangue about insecurity and the behavioral model of a spineless jellyfish. But I don't seem to have the energy to fuss with it. So I thought, "what's the harm in dauntless vulnerability?"
Then it dawned on me: Insecurity keeps me from dauntless vulnerability. :) Combining several dictionaries, the definition of "insecure" looks like this: Subject to fears and doubts; exposed or liable to risk, loss or danger; inadequately guarded, protected or sustained; distrustful.
This got me to musing... when I am fearful and doubting... when I am distrustful... am I distrustful of myself or of God? Recently I did something that I was confident God had asked me to do. I wasn't thrilled with it. It was far beyond my comfort. Nevertheless, I did it. It not only wasn't received as I had hoped, the result even seems to have caused hurt. Since then, my heart has been assailed with doubt. I have felt "exposed" and endangered - as though I've been put in a precarious place, unguarded, unprotected. It's the experiential definition of insecurity.
I know that God has no dark side. But I'm certain that I do. I listen to the voice in my head and sometimes it's not God's. There is always the possibility (sometimes even probability) that I have missed God, that I have mistakenly done something that He never expected of me. Lately, if I'm not second guessing myself, I'm begging for vindication. I could attempt to "fix" it by apologies - but I can't apologize for doing what I've prayed so diligently over and was so certain that I was supposed to do. And yet I find this inner dialogue of trying to give myself absolution from a crime I didn't commit. Ever do that? I told you - looney tunes.
Today I read something that has the potential to rescue me from the "I-toons" cycle - at least for today. :) In fact, it's not new - it's just that I dance around it in my doubt or in my hurt. I shared with someone the other night that I'm most frustrated over my current situation because of my expectations. If I did what God asked, why didn't "such and such" happen? If I didn't do what God asked, why didn't the people that say that they love me, love me enough to correct me? In my expectations, I've placed myself in a "no-win". In my personal insecurities, I've placed my security in results; in the actions of other people.
Today I read this from Tim Keller's book, "The Reason for God". He says this: "When my own personal grasp of the gospel was very weak, my self-view swung wildly between two poles. When I was performing up to my standards...I felt confident but not humble... When I was not living up to standards, I felt humble but not confident, a failure. I discovered, however, that the gospel contained the resources to build a unique identity. In Christ I could know I was accepted by grace not only despite my flaws, but because I was willing to admit them. The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued and that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less. I don't need to notice myself - how I'm doing, how I'm being regarded - so often."
In my insecurity, in the hope that one expectation or the other would fix it, I forgot the most vital truth of the gospel. If I obey, it doesn't make me more accepted by God - it is simply the result of my relationship with Him. If I disobey, it doesn't make me less accepted by God - it is simply an indication of my need for His grace which has already been lavished upon me in Christ - the result of my relationship with Him. So whether I'm accused or absolved, punished or proven, I am accepted in the Beloved and that's all that matters.
So for this moment, I'm choosing to not fret over the results or lack of results of my obedience or disobedience. In the words of Brennan Manning: "Father is fond of me." For the time being, God has silenced my I-toons with His grace.
