I Know What It's For...

I have been in the midst of a season that I've failed miserably to share with any clarity. A sense of shame, albeit false shame, has caused me to not want to share at all. I've been in turmoil for several months over something I believe God asked me to do. It was a difficult thing for me - way beyond the comfort of my own personality. I recall telling God that I would obey and begging Him not to let "this... this... and this..." happen. Each "this" happened. It would seem God doesn't let us put restrictions on His commands. :)

Part of the "this" that I feared would happen was mass rejection from people that I genuinely respect and deeply love. I hate rejection. I hate not being loved. Without going into details, the last 18 months have isolated me, left me feeling lonely and empty and even ashamed. Somehow ashamed that my obedience was misconstrued as something hateful - that 7 years of character and ministry were forgotten in one misunderstood act. Massive ego demolition. :)

Part of the "this" was being without a fellowship to attend every Sunday.

Part of the "this" was not being able to serve those that I've so loved serving. And honestly, that's a privilege I sorely miss, not because it stroked my ego, but because I delight in seeing spiritual lights turned on and hearts pressing closer to a Lord that I deeply love.

Part of the "this" was being laid bare, vulnerable to ridicule, and unable to vindicate myself. I would look mean. I would look foolish. I would be misunderstood.

There's more, but that's not the point. The point is: "This... this... and this" happened. And I know what it's for...

GOD WANTS ME TO KNOW THIS: To be unsatisfied with every indulgence of my flesh or even every blessing but God Himself is a good thing.

In my loneliness, emptiness, shame, dissatisfaction, I have felt unquenchable thirst. That thirst, if I try to sate it my own way, falls far short of my need. All my wells are mere mirages. I run to them and get a mouthful of dust. Each "this" that God let happen was a sign pointing to Him that said, "Not enough, child - This way to Life." To come away thirsty from wells I've trusted to fill me is good, because the thirst drives me to the One True Source of lasting satisfaction. And though I may not be fully satisfied, the thirst is slaked enough to keep coming to Him.

My misunderstood obedience brought to life everything I feared. God ordained for my wells of safety to dry up and for me to come away from them parched, broken, and alone. I know what it's for... to cause me to be unsatisfied with everything but God Himself. To overthrow every love and leave only my love for Him.
In light of the end, the means doesn't seem so intolerable.


Copyright 2009 Sharon Denise Dorminy