I got up this morning with every intention of an orderly, disciplined day. I had a few errands to run. But there was this unction in my heart, as if the Lord was saying, "Come walk with Me." I took Him literally and drove to the canal to walk.
Without going into details, God and I were chatting about some current struggles I've been having. I had walked quite a distance... my breathing was faster and my feet were moving slower. I could hear faint talking behind me and knew there were some men coming up from behind. When they got close, they greeted me.
And then a God moment began. I had just been listening to a cd in my car by John Ortberg entitled Scripture, The Church, & Women. He talked about the tenderness of Jesus toward women and how He values them. These men introduced themselves as pastors at a local church and asked if they could pray for me. They couldn't have known, and in that short time I couldn't have told them everything, but I was having an Emmaus moment. I simply told them I was tired and, in not so many words, that my focus lately has been on serving rather than worshiping. God was saying "come to Me, child" over and over this morning.
These past few weeks, as my ear has been more acutely tuned to God, I realize my exhaustion has come from my striving to hang on to what God has said to let go of. In an effort to let go, I've been frantically searching for other ways to fill the loss. That's exhausting too. God doesn't make it this hard... I have felt shelved - somehow unimportant. I've kept a hold of a few things in order to not feel discarded. Shall I just shout: RED FLAG...RED FLAG...RED FLAG!!!! Jeepers.
So back to the story at hand... I was asking some really tough questions of my heart this morning. I was confessing my insecurities to God and repenting of my pride. And then I said these words: "Lord, the cry of my heart, as selfish as it is, is to matter to You and to others. There's pride in there and yet there is a genuine desire to serve You whole heartedly. Help me to know that I matter to You and let that be enough so I can rest." And then two pastors show up beside me and ask if they can pray for me.
They couldn't know, but Father was saying to me... "Denise, you matter to me. I sent two Pastors to pray over you this morning. Two men to be the Jesus who values women; two men who know what it's like to be tired and to be refreshed; two men that know what it means to "be" as much as to "do". For awhile I thought what God was saying was, "You have to let go of the old, to embrace the new that I have set before you." And that is true to a degree. But after these men met with me this morning, I realized what He's been saying to me is really this: "You have to let go of the old. And you can't take hold of the new until you first take hold of Me. Come to Me." The hope of my calling is Him and is in Him. These faithful men affirmed a wayward heart this morning.
I gave them my web address. I hope they visit if only to see they mattered to me and we matter to Him.
Copyright 2008 Sharon Denise Dorminy
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